Why Does She Stay?

 

All women; in abusive relationships, within the grasp of addiction, or mental illness, and those who are not, are the furthest from weak or people in need of saving you will ever find. They love harder, fight harder, endure struggles better, and know what happiness is deeper than you can imagine. They are not anything near what we remember them as. Woman in the beginning of abusive relationships are not scared, shameful, too prideful, or meagerly surviving, they are suffering, they are fighting, and they are standing up.

They shouldn’t have too, you’re right, especially not alone.

Things need to change. I’ve never believed anything differently.

I just don’t agree with the method of changing them.

I believed our current process, while imperfect, is the closest to perfection there is. I still believe that that is true, but even at being the greatest the world offers, it’s not enough, its failing, We need to innovate our methods before it’s too late.

I can not idly sit by and watch as things only get worse. I refuse to arrive at the end of my life, or to the fruition of whats to come, with my heart full of what ifs and I could haves. I refuse to be among the individuals of our time period that the upcoming generations perplex over in history books pondering how so many people did nothing to stop it. I refuse to ignore that the very system I’m standing up for in assisting survivors out of the situations they’re in, is the same system abusing them. In exchange and payment for their services they trade the already dreary life for another just like it. Except in the new one, you know you are a nameless, faceless, body – at least at home you were loved, you were someone people remembered; up until you didn’t yourself, anymore.

Albeit, Some women are now incarcerated for being the abuser, I don’t believe this is evidence of a lack in seriousness taken towards DV or the validation of it being a two person at fault crime from the beginning.

I believe it is evidence of why she does stay. How a Strong, Beautiful woman comes to think of herself as anything but.

I believe that when a person is experiencing trauma, the mind resorts back to a primitive state, relying on primitive methods of managing the threat. Thus invoking, hyper vigilance, quick decision making and other sensations resulting in the variations of “fight or flight” experienced when in this state of mind. But, I also believe that it is the entire mind that goes back, not just a specified cortex. In doing so, our minds are unintentionally absorbing the world around us as through the eyes of a child learning about it for the first time. I believe we are getting re-taught what is; in what we are hearing people say, what we’re seeing, what we’re feeling, etc.

After a few rounds of traumatic situations, being in that spongelike, susceptible mindset; whats heard, seen, and inferred within them or the flashbacks stemming, supersedes every memory of what they’ve learned prior; even lessons learned as a child. Although we were vulnerable and unaware as a child, it is not a sensation of being always at risk. Even those stricken with poverty, homeless,  are disadvantaged, or the likes do not ever need to resort back to using this power of a mind. Their circumstances are dire and need to be reconciled, but this survival technique is reserved for a fight. A fight with addiction, within a relationship, or fighting depression. If a fight is involved, the effects within a persons essence of who they are, they’re incomparable.

The reaction of survival mode is the closest comparison to (my opinion) of what happens when having a psychotic break – but the opposite.

In a psychotic break, your mind is overworked and shuts down.
Going into survival mode is lighting it all up, evenly, at once.
Psychotic breaks transfer all of the energy to the bodies ability to protect the mind.
While In survival, all of the energy is transferred to the mind; to protect the body.

Both situations cause a person to make decisions based on what they “know,” stored in the fast thinking part of their mind. The primitive side we use before subjecting things to more complex thought. What people see, hear, think they see, or perceive hearing while being in this state becomes their new truth, cemented in that same area.

Which in everyday use, this area still adheres to the same rules, anything stored within it, we don’t subject to reason, rationale, or complex thought before trusting. It is an evolutionary survival technique used by everyones’ mind to process the redundant things in life with little energy lost.

When being in or flashing back to a traumatic event – the world itself, everything and everyone in it, are ‘brainwashing’ a victim. Our mind in it’s efforts to protect, rewires.

If we started letting people talk before they’d gone through the trauma so many times that they are structurally, mentally changed – perhaps we could magnify the power within those women, the women who stay, the women who fight, who are not afraid to stand up and tell their abuser they are wrong.

If we backed them up, before trauma backed them down – if we defended them, rather than asking why they put up with it. If we embodied the respect and treatment we are saying they deserve. If we didn’t subject them to further traumatic abuse by ways of victim blaming, economical hardships, and incarceration; If we stopped equating a call for help with the loss of life as they know it. Maybe we could stop situations before victims become people they don’t know anymore, before the change, before the 911 call and long before they are newspaper headlines.

I implore you, stop saving, stop assuming, stop quietly expressing concern.
Stop grandiose displays of rescue. Stop long terms arrests. Stop ruining lives for punishment,

Stop the fear.

Encourage openness, Celebrate the drive to reform. Express understanding,

BE SINCERE.

Stop questioning why she’s fighting, stop making derogatory remarks about those who fight. Stand up in the fight, before the fight becomes a war.

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