Support Is My Choice

A personal letter to the courts….

It is not my place to diagnosis Ross – nor is it my place to enforce another diagnosis. It is my place to support him – I can do that and I can do it well without resentment. But I cannot do it while the world is intervening and subliminally teaching him that I’m not enough.

I need a support group who is aware of what I’m dealing with, smart enough to separate what he says from what’s real, and wise enough to be supportive of Ross’s true health issues too.


If I don’t have respect from anyone how will he know how to respect me? Ross is not a bad person – he has compounding issues that no one has ever stepped away from the situation long enough to sort out. I have never denied that there was Domestic Violence before 2015 but I will still stand my ground that he had taken appropriate steps, legitimate steps and effective steps and had started on the road to recovery.  I understand that in most cases the person closest to the patient is the most blind to the situation. But I am not most people and my personal feelings are not ones I’ve ever given anyone else to control. He can’t control me- but he does control the upbringing that my children will go through whether we are a family or not.

I know Ross will work through what’s different within him and I know I can support him in guidance as to how to mend it. How to take a negative thought process and twist it to a positive one.

Mental issues are not curable, nor do they miraculously manifest and disappear. But case study after case study will prove that they are manageable and there are thousands if not millions of individuals today who are living productive roles in our society.

Do you really think a human body that can repair itself, that has insanely complicated systems that all interact with each other, not just at one crossroad, but multiple crossroads for multiple reasons, and that does all of this without our natural assistance really doesn’t have anything in place trying to troubleshoot why our brains are not functioning to the best of their ability??

Ross is going to be Ross no one will change that. Not me, not you, and definitely not incarceration. We could all change him linearly and separately but it’s entirely up to Ross how those changes are woven back into the complexity of who he is and the expectation for him to do that effectively even the first time when he only had one string to integrate is audacious.

Ross has so many loose ends now that I can promise you he’ll never be able to be anything to anyone other than a prisoner to your punishment unless you show him right here today that we all collectively have the faith that he can.

This society and the way it’s ran may have already ruined my ability to look at Ross as a husband or even a friend but he is still a person. The fact that the person he’s hurt the most is the only one standing up for his rights as a person should be your first indicator that there’s a chance I am right.

Don’t label me irrational, uneducated, irresponsible, negligent, or ignorant.

I am more aware than anyone on this planet of what has gone on in my life and I’ve not turned a blind eye to the effects any of it has on the future (though I have been burned by delegating some assurances of that future to the wrong people.)

My small family deserves to be given the opportunity by you, the court system, to support his ability to obtain the mental health he deserves. He needs mental health treatment by mental health professionals so he can return home to provide his family with the emotional and financial support that he has always offered.

Connor, Ryland, and Asher are going to grow up and want answers. Whether those answers are out of what happened during the younger years of their life as they notice how much their dad used to be absent from pictures or of a yearning to understand why they followed in his footsteps and landed where they are is up to the court today.

But I’m begging you to not force my answer, do not make me have to explain to my boys why Ross and I didn’t fix the problem before we handed it down to them. Don’t put your need for punishment above my and my children’s health.

Today, I cannot tell you anything I have done wrong to warrant the extent of what’s happened. But in 13 years I will have an autobiography full of reasons if you separate my family from Ross again. Not for my own quest of why- but so when my boys start their quest no matter which direction they’re turn they’ll have an answer for why it wasn’t because of them.

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